ever felt like weird, not ok, not bad just sad but not exactly sad , sth you just cant express. i know how it feels, been like that til couple hours ago. i figured out what i was feeling, took me quite a long time, a nite, a whole class of med' history n philosophy, 40 mins in corner, lunch and around one hour in bed curled up with my eyes closed to realised that i was ashamed, that was it, as simple as that. i couldnt and still cant focus in what im trying to do that is studying, i lost my focus, maybe ill get it back when i see You, ihope so, it's like i lost my balance. feel bad, ill its horrible and think talking to You is the only thing that will make all of it go away. so many things in my head, as always but this is different, You werent mad like other times i saw You just well maybe yes but was different, i felt different. If would have been there i couldnt have looked You into Yr eyes, felt like crying but that wasnt gonna help i would have done it anyway cuz would have come out, felt and feel like doing nth, its weird, havent even sent You Yr share of offline msgs not cuz im mad with you cuz im certainly not mad with You cuz U were right and the scolding and all was deserved just i dont feel like doing it, im like empty. Do believe it will all be gone the minute i see You on, but that moment hasnt come yet and im missing You and just feel ashamed of what i did, hasnt happened 2 me before, maybe thast why i couldnt adress my feelings properly yesterday, its not a nice feeling but there's a good part in it i think if ashamed i know its wrong which i already knew, i always when screw up but never felt this way. When You started the scolding i just wanted to yell i know, i know i dont need You to tell me this, was like too much, but im glad i dindt say anything, cuz its not how it works, and would have probably made things worse. when i thought You were done scolding, You werent and kept going and only couple did that to me while i was younger and made me feel small, young, younger i mean, i do understand why You did it though, and think you were right, You didnt hurt me just said the truth and im not hurt im ashamed thats all. Then You made me send my "friend" that message which i thought was rude and then You mentioned You sent same to seren and she was pissed but got over it, i wa sok til then but i dont like her and explained You yest why i dont like her not being mean just telling the truth and think im right, wasnt the right time to say it maybe but wasnt the right time to mention her either. In my mind was te thought that that msg was rude but i darent question You cuz U might have thought i cared more about him than i do about You which we both know is not true but darent made You doubt yests nite, wasnt necessary and You are more important than any friend i can have into this. sumhow it also hurts me taht You think i may care more bout another guy than You but well i had those moments so know how it feels maybe its my mistake and shouldnt tell You when this things happen but id like ot know if happenes to You so i thought was best but U get like mad and kindda insecure and i cant have that, i dont have doubts You, like i said in letter ive reached a level of trust that now reached its peak n not changing that cuz U never given me reasons to do so so kindda hurts when You think i may care more bout others than You. think this is all for the moment and think tha when i started writing this thought was only gonna take me couple lines couldnt do that apparently...