I hate you so damn much right now that im not sure how to handle.. I havent felt like this about you in a very very long while. I dont know what pisses me off more.. if the fact that you said 'the fact that you miss school doesnt guarantee you'll see me' or the fact that im moronic enough to actually look forward and believe you when you say i will see you or that im capable of waiting hours for you.. How lame and pathetic is that? Its for this very reason that i cant give in.. because i cant get the idea out of my head that im just a plaything again and that when it gets tough you'll just leave like you did the last time.
I feel stupid and this is the exact same feeling ive been trying to avoid all this time.. it makes me insecure and believe me i know that im probably overreacting (i wanna believe that) or reading too much into it or whatever but grrrr it pissed me off..
I know im probably hormonal and everything but its like, i dont know, its like the novelty wore off.. at least i think thats how you feel. Its probably normal too.. maybe i did come back for a 'notion' i had of a relationship i thought we had.. Maybe i idealized everything, maybe i made it all better but we stopped working a few months into 'us'.. or whatever we are. Whatever you think we are. I hate this, i hate not seeign yoru face, i hate not being able to see your body language, i hate not being sure whether youre telling the truth or not.. I hate it.. its merc all over again.. okay now im being dramatic but what i mean is i expected something and got something completely different in person and that terrifies me.. if it were someone else id deal with it but its you, its the person i wanted to find again, its the first i loved and the only one.. its you and maybe my expectations are too high or im asking something that you dont want to do. Maybe you just want play time and to enjoy the time online and i make that hard because as much as i enjoy playing with you i can do it by myself.. and maybe you dont want to tell me that.. maybe you dont want that much of work, maybe you never did.. the odd thing is that im sure you could get someone else quick enough to satisfy that so why the hell are you with me when all i imply is work and trouble? i dont get it

i hate you and i love you and i hate loving you because it makes me vulnerable, it makes me week and it makes me not be rational and i hate it.. I hate being weak i hate being like this.. ihate being vulnerable and i hate not being in control of things.. as wrong as that sounds.. I just hate it