some random rambling

I was just taking a look at a couple of posts from this blog.. if anyone ever reads this they're gonna think im a frigging depressive person, i swear im not. Im not a 100% happy but who is? To add to all this shit in my "vanilla" life i have to like/want/need something that its not common at all and to make it worse its not done at all in my country.. yay huh?

At times I feel like im wasting my youth in front of a computer alone, and i think to myself how badly i wish i were with someone, physically, not for the sexual part but for the support and loving, caring one.. that's missing and hell i need that. Its hard being with S and B all day, all week, seeing how madly in love they are and how they keep kissing and cuddling and holding hands and all that stupid stuff that is girlie stuff.. stuff i need.

I keep talking to K, something feels off for some reason, its probably just me this time though. I feel like so stupid, like im too new to all this and this guy lives it and his friends live it and they got their life more figured out than i do. Im not saying i cant do this but maybe i need something else, or i dont know.. He says by studying i serve him but its hard to pciture yourself serving when youa rent.. if that even makes sense..

i love him or i think i do, im not sure anymore.. and i miss him and i hate missing him, it scares me, it makes me vulnerable and i dont want to let go, i just dont want to let go, im too scared. I wish he understood this, i wish he could get inside my mind at times, hed know that more than once i called him Master without thinking about it and that ive lost count of how many times i wanted to say i loved him but refrained from doing it cause by saying that id be giving him power and id be losing myself in him forever.. He's right i havent given everythign to him because im still protecting myself, because my heart can afford another break, because i have high expectations and i want them fulfilled..

I thought he and T were relatively stable ya know.. not the sane stable kind but i meant as a couple but then he tells me about some of her fuck ups and im not sure im comfortable with that.. what if does that when im there.. if i ever get there.. itd be uncomfortable to say the least, i dont wanna have to take sides, i just wanna serve him along with her for as long as they allow. Some people would think im crazy since im thinking about really potential events but thats who i am, i consider every possiblity before i get too involved in anything, i consider every possible risk and thats how im prepared when thigns happen, yes i might be overly cautious but some things are worth the wait.

I should probably talk to him about all of this but im not sure i can, itd be easier to show him the blog but im not sure i want him to see all this, i dont want him to share it with anyone cuz other people will find it stupid and even if thats the case its not stupid to me and it actually helps me.. heheh and my brain appreciates the unload as well. We'll see what i can do.. Its not that he actually can be around longer or mroe often but thatd really be awesome, i dont feel neglected at all.. its just different than what im used to.. lol i see him as much as i saw phillip when he started pulling away.. maybe thats why it all sorta scare me.. unconsciously.. maybe so.. im so twisted at times that i couldnt even answer that. Anyway, im off to work o a group question or read some.. sleep will be my choice though hehehhe i cant lie to myself on a blog no one reads can i=? lol itd be pointless.. laughs