A whole new day
boy was it a rough night last night..i caught 7 hours of sleep and im feeling more calmed-- had a major meltdown yesterday.. one of those that used to take henry days and days to get me out of.. Curiously enough i only had one of these this year after i came back home from my trip and one last night but it was different because i feel better now.. so im guessing twice a year isnt as bad.. lol must be scary for others (read my sis) cuz i get sooooooooo depressed and sad and want to leave everything .. almost did.. almost fuck up but i didnt... i went to a room.. heard a familiar voice on vc.. and thought about pming so badly... i always come across the same people when im feeling bad lol but i didnt pm anyone.. i needed to prove to me and him that i could be alone and still keep out of trouble.. and believe me i hate being alone.. it felt weird.. all the pwoer he has over me.. that no matter how bad i was feeling i wouldnt pm that x person jsut so i wouldnt displease my Master or let him down.. and me
alright its been 8 hours or so since i started this entry, my mood has cahnged considerably again.. I used to be so scared of the nights.. i was so scared last night and tonight is not much different (well lol i aint crying... and lights are on lol) but the nights bring fear, they make everything seem worse when you only have to deal with yourself and noone else.. it feels like a yucky regression, something ive gotten over a long while ago but apparently something that was still there. My energy is leaving me slowly but steadily.. so close to falling.. so close and so scared of the outcome... what if i go back to what i was? not while i was with you but after you left me... there wont be anyone to pick me up baby.. not this time and what will i do.. if i get too tired to fight.. too tired to even breathe... Maybe i never wanted this to get this bad, maybe i made a mistake maybe its the sadness and anger within me talking.. maybe maybe...
I trusted you to do what you thought was best for us and i really believed itd help.. i really believed i could deal with it.. i never told You how badly i wished youd stayed.. or the real reason why you left.. i never got to tell you how hard this is for me.. because it really wasnt til friday---
Another hour went by.. im a tad more calmed now.. talk about rollercoaster of emotions.. In conclusion, i dont know whats going on, im really stressed over tomorrow, i hate december, xams and everything around it (xmas spirit is my 2nd name huh) AND i have a big question that i havent been able to ask anyone.. lol im driving people crazy with questions.. grinzzz.. i could time and time again that i dont need anyone.. that i dont need you or anyone to help me to be with me or anything but at the same time i dont know.. i feel like i do at times.. not because i cant live wihtout you but i dont want to.. and then i get scared because i know myself and know how i jump into things that may or may not exist.. grinz.. been there done that.. so part of me still protects me against potential danger/s
Anyway two more hours went by, my soccer team is champion (again) south american cup this time and im gonna go play tumblebugs once, then read some for tomorrow, then sleep at 3 then up 630 to finish reviewing then the final which i hope to pass then party then home and relax and cry lol and time to freak out and relax if everything goes well... Anyways im gone.. im exhausted and i cant think anymore about me or whatever
alright its been 8 hours or so since i started this entry, my mood has cahnged considerably again.. I used to be so scared of the nights.. i was so scared last night and tonight is not much different (well lol i aint crying... and lights are on lol) but the nights bring fear, they make everything seem worse when you only have to deal with yourself and noone else.. it feels like a yucky regression, something ive gotten over a long while ago but apparently something that was still there. My energy is leaving me slowly but steadily.. so close to falling.. so close and so scared of the outcome... what if i go back to what i was? not while i was with you but after you left me... there wont be anyone to pick me up baby.. not this time and what will i do.. if i get too tired to fight.. too tired to even breathe... Maybe i never wanted this to get this bad, maybe i made a mistake maybe its the sadness and anger within me talking.. maybe maybe...
I trusted you to do what you thought was best for us and i really believed itd help.. i really believed i could deal with it.. i never told You how badly i wished youd stayed.. or the real reason why you left.. i never got to tell you how hard this is for me.. because it really wasnt til friday---
Another hour went by.. im a tad more calmed now.. talk about rollercoaster of emotions.. In conclusion, i dont know whats going on, im really stressed over tomorrow, i hate december, xams and everything around it (xmas spirit is my 2nd name huh) AND i have a big question that i havent been able to ask anyone.. lol im driving people crazy with questions.. grinzzz.. i could time and time again that i dont need anyone.. that i dont need you or anyone to help me to be with me or anything but at the same time i dont know.. i feel like i do at times.. not because i cant live wihtout you but i dont want to.. and then i get scared because i know myself and know how i jump into things that may or may not exist.. grinz.. been there done that.. so part of me still protects me against potential danger/s
Anyway two more hours went by, my soccer team is champion (again) south american cup this time and im gonna go play tumblebugs once, then read some for tomorrow, then sleep at 3 then up 630 to finish reviewing then the final which i hope to pass then party then home and relax and cry lol and time to freak out and relax if everything goes well... Anyways im gone.. im exhausted and i cant think anymore about me or whatever
posted by ~*~angelfire~*~ at 6:28 AM
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