Yet another day
I finally talked to You not so long ago. I havent felt so sad, happy and confused at the same time in a while lol You did it baby.. When i saw You i just freaked out i was so scared, i didnt know what was going on.. as time went by i realised how badly ive missed You and felt home once again.. You made of me a puppy girl and i couldnt have been happier if i tried myself.. I could feel You as I havent in way too long.. Then i grew sad.. then You showed me what was it that i was going through and i burst in tears, You showed me something Ive written not long ago and i recognised it as mine and tears just started flowing down my cheeks realising i was getting to that place.. where im broken.. where i can take so much more but i dont know how ill react.. i dont know how much longer i can deal with myself, well to be honest i do know ill deal with myself for as long as i need to, just i miss You so much and god i hadnt realised how much til i saw You today.. its so easy to bottle things up,, thinking that they're not happening til someone or something pulls the trigger, and they bring you back to reality.
have i ever told you i never reread what i write in here, i never double check exams, i never double check this.. well only to look for some grammar mistakes but i really dont care bout those in here so i rarely double check and once i post.. then its bye bye to that post, i wont ever see it again. I only managed to read and old blog henry and i had a fwe weeks ago.. lol took me one year and a half to read it.. i was so cute then.. chuckles.. was so dam sweet but still had my down moments and i saw his entries too.. boy that was a bit hard it almost seemed like he loved me.. its so interesting how people say you can pretend here but you really cant for long.. Well today i did something different, i decided id read previous posts, id overcome that fear and for some reason i had the hardest time accepting i was the one whod written all that (til i realised words were missing and then i knew it was me lolol), not because i dont feel what i wrote but because it expressed so well how i felt/feel.. it really showed me who i am (now that sounds cliche yuck) and im n ot as messed up as i often think, im far from perfect yes but i know how i feel most of the time.. maybe not when i want to but eventually ill get to know how i feel, be it sad or lonely or happy and ecstatic.. it was unbelievable i was like so proud of myself for expressing so well how i feel.. then again that might be only understandable to me since it wrote but i couldnt care less.. im doing it for me this time.. i dont know how things will turn out and yes it worries me some but i cant change it what has to happen will happen and ill still be here..
Now on a different note I have two things left to talk about, well more like three..
I once heard someone say, i believe that subs need to be broken before they can be dominated, that really scared me, in fact the very broken word scares the hell outta me. I have to trust you way too much to let You do that to me.. somehow i let you.. and even if im not as broken as i think i can be.. theres defintiely something there.. if i could only tell You how much i missed You.. not only because i love You but also because ive been wanting for You to 'test' me.. i needed to test myself.. see how id react.. and i passed and i found joy in it.. in my mind i made You happy even if for a few seconds.. i made me happy..i passed in my eyes Master.. i have a long way to go but the first step has been taken and that fills this girl with joy
Second thing (im growing fond of making lists.. grinz), I think i understood today why you 'left'.. i wish Youve told me though, i still theres a lil something you're not telling but for the first time it doesnt worry me at all.. awkward huh? Maybe im starting to prioritize and realise that some things do take time and not all of us have the same way of working thigns out or dealing with things or even ways of expressing ourselves. Im simply glad You're still here, simply glad You're still fighting and glad You keep growing as well. Talk a bout a continuous learnign process :P
Third and last thing for now.. The other day, monday i think it was the weirdest thing happened, i was talking to this dom and all of a sudden he sez that he knew me more than i gave him credit for.. now bear in mind some thigns he sez i just choose to ignore and that way we get along pretty well.. so of course the brat in me told him to prove it to me since i really didnt believe he actually knew me as well as he thought.. You know what he did? he asked me if id taken an iq and eq test lately and i said yes and then he proceeded to 'guess' both my iq and eq.. and he was soooo dam close it was scary.. lol he then told me hed been wrong abuot my iq because i dumb myself down to fit and when im with friends and such.. lol funny enough my mom thinks the same thing.. my eq needs to go a bit higher though even if i rated higher than 95% of people my self estime issues lower that one a tad too much but everythign will work out eventually. He also told me that i didnt know what i was capable of.. and i do.. partly.. i know i can get high i just dont know how high.. Anyway I think ill continue tomorrow im tired and need some rest..
Just hope You know how much You mean to me and how much better i am when Im with You..
have i ever told you i never reread what i write in here, i never double check exams, i never double check this.. well only to look for some grammar mistakes but i really dont care bout those in here so i rarely double check and once i post.. then its bye bye to that post, i wont ever see it again. I only managed to read and old blog henry and i had a fwe weeks ago.. lol took me one year and a half to read it.. i was so cute then.. chuckles.. was so dam sweet but still had my down moments and i saw his entries too.. boy that was a bit hard it almost seemed like he loved me.. its so interesting how people say you can pretend here but you really cant for long.. Well today i did something different, i decided id read previous posts, id overcome that fear and for some reason i had the hardest time accepting i was the one whod written all that (til i realised words were missing and then i knew it was me lolol), not because i dont feel what i wrote but because it expressed so well how i felt/feel.. it really showed me who i am (now that sounds cliche yuck) and im n ot as messed up as i often think, im far from perfect yes but i know how i feel most of the time.. maybe not when i want to but eventually ill get to know how i feel, be it sad or lonely or happy and ecstatic.. it was unbelievable i was like so proud of myself for expressing so well how i feel.. then again that might be only understandable to me since it wrote but i couldnt care less.. im doing it for me this time.. i dont know how things will turn out and yes it worries me some but i cant change it what has to happen will happen and ill still be here..
Now on a different note I have two things left to talk about, well more like three..
I once heard someone say, i believe that subs need to be broken before they can be dominated, that really scared me, in fact the very broken word scares the hell outta me. I have to trust you way too much to let You do that to me.. somehow i let you.. and even if im not as broken as i think i can be.. theres defintiely something there.. if i could only tell You how much i missed You.. not only because i love You but also because ive been wanting for You to 'test' me.. i needed to test myself.. see how id react.. and i passed and i found joy in it.. in my mind i made You happy even if for a few seconds.. i made me happy..i passed in my eyes Master.. i have a long way to go but the first step has been taken and that fills this girl with joy
Second thing (im growing fond of making lists.. grinz), I think i understood today why you 'left'.. i wish Youve told me though, i still theres a lil something you're not telling but for the first time it doesnt worry me at all.. awkward huh? Maybe im starting to prioritize and realise that some things do take time and not all of us have the same way of working thigns out or dealing with things or even ways of expressing ourselves. Im simply glad You're still here, simply glad You're still fighting and glad You keep growing as well. Talk a bout a continuous learnign process :P
Third and last thing for now.. The other day, monday i think it was the weirdest thing happened, i was talking to this dom and all of a sudden he sez that he knew me more than i gave him credit for.. now bear in mind some thigns he sez i just choose to ignore and that way we get along pretty well.. so of course the brat in me told him to prove it to me since i really didnt believe he actually knew me as well as he thought.. You know what he did? he asked me if id taken an iq and eq test lately and i said yes and then he proceeded to 'guess' both my iq and eq.. and he was soooo dam close it was scary.. lol he then told me hed been wrong abuot my iq because i dumb myself down to fit and when im with friends and such.. lol funny enough my mom thinks the same thing.. my eq needs to go a bit higher though even if i rated higher than 95% of people my self estime issues lower that one a tad too much but everythign will work out eventually. He also told me that i didnt know what i was capable of.. and i do.. partly.. i know i can get high i just dont know how high.. Anyway I think ill continue tomorrow im tired and need some rest..
Just hope You know how much You mean to me and how much better i am when Im with You..
posted by ~*~angelfire~*~ at 5:00 AM
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