Funny

I havent felt this alone in years i dare say if ever felt like this, i dont particularly feel lonely nor sad, im not shocked im not unhappy Im simply in a state of a mind i cant describe where no matter who i talk to or dont talk to things wont change where its all up to me and where im happy up to some point. Confusing.. I know. I feel like its too late to learn now what i need to learn for tomorrow yet its not late to learn all i need to learn about submission and slavery with the man i call Master. I do want to learn the school stuff, in fact, i need to but i know i have another chance if i fail and apparently my brain works with adrenaline rushes, it wont react until the adrenaline reches its peak and im freaking out because ive run out of chances, its hard to explain and not something you want to live with, its like living in the edge most of the time, knowing your life depends only on you and you have power over it, one second and poof you're gone and you could take that away from yourself, a bullet a knife, anything, theres alwas that possibility but yet you never take it for youd miss so many things you want to do before you die and yet you dont do them when you have the time to do that. My guess is that it takes a certain level of 'trascendence' to understand and i obviously dont have it, not yet, maybe all it takes is maturity and i dont have that either.
Ive been thinking why i push the people i love away, maybe i push to see if they're still there but i dont realise that they're humans too and thats when things or problems arise. I dont like to be lied to and i dont need to be protected from the truth, rather hear it no matter how harsh it is than live a lie, been there done that and i didnt like it. Jamie told me more than a year ago how i sabotaged every i loved because in the end i didnt think i deserved to be happy, funny how that stuck with me even if i havent talked to him in months. I was so lost and confused by then, if you think i m messed up now you have no idea how i was back then, it was awful, id cry every day, id regretted everything and would make the most awful decissions ever both lifestyle related and otherwise.

The first and only time i devoted myself to someone.. he was lucky, i havent yet met cruelty or liars, i was naive in so many ways that he could mold me to his liking, i miss that at times,, no bagagge attached, no fear, everything new, everything was so wonderful, ultimate trust, ultimate submission, nothing i wouldnt have done for him and damn i miss that, i miss feeling that little something snap in me, make me feel like a slave, what if i lost it? what if i cant ever be that again? what if you hurt me so badly that i can never trust anyone like i trusted you, love anyone the way i loved you? did you know i wanted to die when you left, did you know i hated you more than ill ever hate anyone in this world did you know you taught me everything i know, di you know you woke me up and brought me to the real world, showed me that most are in for self pleasure and they dont care about anyone other than themselves.. did you know you marked me for life, making things harder for me, making me push away the one person that took the time to deal with me... If you only knew what you've awoken in me, if i had known how it was gonna end up, i might have stopped it,, too bad i loved you too much.. too bad i didnt see it.. too bad noone bothered to tell me you were playing while you had my life in your hands.. would have saved lots of pain and would have made my life easier and for that i will always hate you even if just a little. There are times I wish You could see all the damage Youve done and right now I wish you could see how much ive grown, how different i am from that little girl you found one november day two years ago. I wish you could see what i have now with someone i love as deeply as i once loved you with one difference i trust him now.. no, not completely and i dont know if ill ever be able to but he loves me back and he cares like you never did and thanks to you im pushing him away. the one thing i enjoy, the one person that took the time and put up with a lot of my shit and im pushing him away. You know what, i wont let you win this time, not this time, you didnt deserve me and i wont allow you to ruin my life because you couldnt be happy with your wife.. i am with a great person who yes has a bit of a temper and yes is also hard to handle at times but honest. well when he thinks is appropiate, kinda how i am. His smile.. his smile can make an ordinary day an extraordinary one, that sweet teddy bear like smile that can bring all my walls down and take me to a place where i dont feel i need to protect myself anymore where i can just give in.. but when that smile is gone its all so much harder to do.. You told me you loved my smile, that i made your days better and im sure i did but the man im with now, he does that for me every time i see him and when i dont feel like i can get to where he want to be i hurt and it hurts to see him.. like today.. days like today when no matter how much i see him nothing seems right, when i just feel like i want to curl up and cry. Remember that afternoon when you had to leave for work that i didnt want you to and threw a fit? god you got mad that day and left and i called you as soon as you went offline.. the phone kept ringing and you wouldnt pick up and i was thinking to myself.. pick up please pick and i was crying and when you picked up the only words i could get out were im sorry.. and then i burst into tears.. i felt so small and you didnt let me call or go online for a whole day.. looking back it seems stupid since you werent even online but i learnt boy did i learn that lesson.. did you know im or was til a few weeks agoas happy as i was with you? that everything seemed just right in my world and then something happened.. i dont know what it was but i felt it too.. things were different.. its your curse baby.. 4 month curse lol how stupid am i to even think of that but it did happenand it all went downhill and i didnt know why he didnt want to spend time with me anymore, i didnt know what was wrong or how to fix, in fact i didnt know if it was really happening or if ti was my mind playing tricks with me.. today i learned it was as i felt it was i had pushed too hard and had pushed him away, at least he told me the truth, something you never did. It didnt hurt, well, kind of, felt kind of stupid but nothing i didnt deserve you know.. it brought me back to earth. Now he says hs pushing me more than i pushed him.. and i should have told him to push harder that i wasnt going anywhere and that i could deal with it.. i can go as far i want to, have no limits, happiness has no limits neither does sadness and he's gonna push then ill let him, and he'll be surprised at my response, how much pressure i can take.. people only see the beginning of it for it generally is more than enough but if he wants to see more of that he will.. im not giving up on this any time soon.. not on the one person i really care for.. so push Master,, push me more til i cant take it anymore, push me til im so tired that i cant beg You to stop. break me and bring the slave in me out,, bring her out.. i dont care how juss free her and let her breathe.. you might be surprised at the result... we might both be surprised....