it feels like its all falling apart.. or is it just me?

Im not sure whether its me or really everything is falling apart, then again im not sure if its my hormones.. if its really happening.. or if its just me sabotaging things again. All i know its that im scared, been down this road before and what if he cant take it anymore what if its not really what he wanted or im simply not good enough for him.. maybe this is all in my head or maybe not.. I cant remember being as lonely as i was yesterday.. i usually comfort myself or used to go in a room and have some fun but now all that its gone and people i used to talk to are now blocked.. not for good but for a while til i get back on track. I wonder how long would that be.. get me back on track if possible, I want to yet it seems like i will keep falling and that.. say perfection.. is still so far away that it gets frustrating.. that life will keep to get in the middle and that bad choices are and always will be there.

Like many i dont know how to be alone, it scares me up to a point but ive gotten better at that and looking back at the mistakes ive made cause of that in the past, well all that makes me not wanna live that ever again.

I cant manage to get my thoughts together, they all seems to pop in my mind randomly, a few days ago i felt so bad, so guilty so not worth it and even if sothing words helped me it wasnt enough, there was something missing and thats when i realised the little girl within me just wanted to be held like what i thought was a friend did to me over a year ago.. he just 'held me' and it felt so right.. thats when i think i fell for him and took me a few months to realise i had fallen for a feeling and a sense of security and not for the person per se. Its funny though as he helped me once.. i helped him more than once and he was there to help me again not so long ago, showing me he isnt what he shows to the world yet refusing to grow out of it, maybe scared, maybe still a kid. I must say i gave up this time, no heart feelings, no pity, no nothing, took you out of my list, out of my life and you're on your own, wont be there anymore when you fall, im done with you, i will say i once loved what you did for me.. only once and that feeling is long gone. Now i just wish i could focus on the one i love, the one i really care for but at the moment it feels like im not strong enough, like i cant help him i cant make him feel better, feels like im lost again trying to find my way back home but home isnt there.. if that makes sense. Anyway as i was saying the other day i either needed to be held or one hell of a whipping to release guilt of whatever it is that im feeling and i got none.. and even if i craved that i didnt think saying it would be right.. He wasnt feeling right and i had to find out a way to make that better which i must say now i didnt accomplish was again kinda frustrating and i was feeling empty and feeling it was all falling apart and i was trying to hold on and i managed to do it.. til yesterday when for a moment i let go.. break or not break rule.. was it going to be worth it after that? would i enjoy it better than the consequence/s? the answer of course was no.. but i still did it.. why? i dont know, wasnt to get attention for noone was there, wasnt to prove anything for i had noone to prove anything to.. it was mainly a way out i think and it wasnt worth and it didnt feel good and i didnt enjoy it but i still did it and it only made me feel worse if possible.. if i couldnt fight against that simple thing how can i ever fight against bigger things.. how can i deserve anything from ym Master if i cant follow a simple direction. It all feels so wrong.. i cant fix anything of what surrounds me, now how im feeling, not how Hes feeling, not make myself better for Him.. no nothing... just bleh.. a bleh kinda week.. in a bleh kinda world within a bleh kinda person thats me.....