Bad Day

it seems like some events are finally catching up with me if you know what i mean. Last week was some sort of a crazy week for me.. some things showed up again but i could fix almost all of it and it turned out to be a pretty decent week, a good one actually. This week started, well maybe not in the best possible way but it seemed to want to get better as days started to go by. I went bed with the biggest possible smile one of these past nights,, the day after that wasnt my best one but i survived it.. after all it was just another rock on my path, been there done that kinda rock then my birthday came. Im not sure if most people feel how i feel when my birthday approaches or as my birthday 'passes by'. I woke up with a lonely feeling which I found weird but birthdays can be like that so i just kept going with my day as planned I went to school .. got the warmest welcome there .. made me blush and all.. got my pressies and when it was time to come back here I really didnt want to.. I just wanted to be with my friends,, be around them.. I didnt really want to be alone. As I think Ive mentioned here before I have a problem with loneliness but at the same time I like some time on my own at times.. I need it and some other times I just need a good hug and feel loved to put it someway. Anyway I came home got lots of phonecalls, emails, sms msgs and blah blah blah which made me feel really well then i started to become very aware of my surroundings, just watching everyone around you.. all the tiny details that do make a difference and all the details that can tell you how others are feeling, be it with themselves or with you. Some may think Im kinda crazy or paranoid or whatever but guess what? I talked to about 4 or 5 people who I thought were having a bad day or something and all of them were either worried or sad or just having a bad day. That makes you feel kind of powerless yknow, not being able to help them completely for you either dont know them completely or they just wont let you in or you're the problem they're having lol. That sole thing was what started bringing me down yesterday. I spent most of the day on the phone and then chat,, had a couple of good conversations,, gave lots of hugs to friends or acquaintances who needed it and had a really interesting talk with a guy whom i had met in a room the other day. It's funny how with some people you know you can talk for hours and you know you will share the views and the best thing about talking with people like that is that you know they're not trying to show off they might want you but they'll respect you above all, no bullshit. We talked for an hour I think, it was a bullshit free hour and it felt so damn good. Im so fucking tired about the online drama and hypocryts and assholes and people getting played with. It's all so unfair and so unhuman, like we are some kind of punchbag at times, it just sucks.

I remember when I first came to the go gos.. I was amazed at what i was seeing, needless to say i came in to find drama or drama found me as soon as i came in, depends how you wanna look at it. Then you realise that not all that shines is gold.. there's lots of bullshit around, lots of groups lots of mean people. I dont know about you but even if i dont consider myself Mother Theresa and I dont also consider myself as the ultimate bitch, Im not saying I cant be but Im really not, unless you hurt me or someone i know and care for deeply. I always try to include others, greeting them, trying to make them feel welcomed and unless they are trolls I just try to be nice you know, it just comes out. What's the whole point of making someone feel unwelcome or bad simply cause you're part of a goddamn group or simply because you're having a bad day.. what the hell are you so protective of? what makes these people do that? That's what I wonder at times.. are they that insecure about themselves? I dont think thats the reason for Im not as secure and I dont do that bs.. or do they do it because they had to through the same thing when they started? Maybe that's it, they say revenge is sweet and i must say it is but what's the cost. What makes you any superior to another person, you both came out of your mother and you both will die what you do in the middle of that.. well thats up to the person and if you're not happy with it and you're gonna make people feel bad because of that then damn you shouldnt be online you shouldnt be here at all.. get your issues solved first and then come back and think again how you'd like to be treated here,, how would you likef to be treated if it were you the one coming into the go gos or any room for the 1st time? I dont think this people even take the time to think about that and what worries me is that if they cant take a few minutes to get to know another person online why would they take that time rt? scary aint it?

To add to all this, i had a biochem class this morning, we were all talking how awful it went the other day and for some lost cases like me.. well it all just got way worse for now we have to retake both exams last week of november which really sucks and its kidna depressing. I had trouble with this same suject a couple of years ago. Its my karma and it terrifies that i might have to retake it next year.. That would mean and extra year here which would depress me to no end and ruin completely my plans, I already lost one year for a bad decission, dont want to waste another one. That really made it for me, a bitchy day its cloudy way too cold for spring and it just plain sucks I cant stay in a room for long which has been happening since yesterdays nite and it all pretty much scares the hell out of me. Its like when all seems to be going great there's always something to ruin that like either bullshit looks for me or im close related to it.. either way its scary ... its scary knowing what you might do to people.. its scary knowing how others might feel about you.. its scary how you can push even those you care for the most away and then regret it.. and its scary being unable to recognise.. to say it openly that you might need that someone that makes you happy .. that you miss him without scaring the other person... just being scared that once he really sees you he decides hes made a mistake... i think its all part of a paranoid reaction to some action i just couldnt figure out or isolate.. All I know is that it feels bad. Bad enough to ruin your whole day, bad enough to make you crawl back into your bed and sleep it off.. all day long if necessary and bad enough to make you want to fix it.. if you only knew how to do it....