what was that all about?

It certainly wasn't my intention to post this.. not now and certainly not today. It weird how Im feeling, just checked a girl's profile and found out she and my 'ex' are back together which in a way makes me happy for them because they're probably meant to be together but at some point it touched me. It didnt touch me because I want to be with him again but makes me feel stupid. I was feeling guilty for doing something that made me unbelievably happy and lol well Im stupid for feeling like that, I shouldnt keep doing that. Not everyone cares about others, some care more about other than themselves and some just seem to know when it's time to care about themselves and when it's time to care about others. Me? Well... I tend to care more about others, how they're gonna react to what Im doing, how they perceive me and etc etc etc. I dont worry about myself (edit 08/18) most of the times until I hit bottom.. and then it all goes to hell as it's going now in a way. My guess? Well I'm not dealing all that well with one of the so called natural crisis of life.. I'm so tired of it all. I either wanna stop growing or I wanna go back to the times where I was happy day after day with very little things to worry about. Maybe that's where Im wrong, maybe I just need to stop looking back for I cant change any of that now, maybe I have to let go of that safe place my mind runs to every time i get scared or lonely or just feel like the worst fuck up ever. It seems like I get moments of clarity when I see both my pros and my cons and well, of course, what I do right and I don't and then there are some other moments when I fall apart, when no matter how safe i felt/had been feeling, even a few minutes before freaking out, I need to go back to what was the happiest time of my life when a person I adored and loved and who cared for me and was there for me when I needed it, the same person I hated for lying and leaving. It's ironic I know but it's true between love and hate there's only a thin line, probably as thin as the one between D/s and an abusive relationship..

To sum up, I hate being alone, I came to find out that not that long ago and I got a big big ego which got very hurt along with my pride by seeing this person move on so quick, then again how hypocrite of me is saying this when I moved on as quickly right? I think Id probably explain all these better in some other time.