What the hell is wrong with me?

what the hell is wrong with me... what cant i just be happy.. is it like jamie said? that deep inside me i dont wanna be happy.. and thats why i look for detrimental relationships.. and when finally seems like One cares about me i blew it ... what the hell is wrong??? i just dont know what to do... i dont have the communication i used to have.. this being my only way out.. i dont know if He really wants to be with or if Hes just with me cuz im the big prize a 20 yo with a man on His 40s i dont know.. i know i shouldnt be thinking that way but i cant help it.. been there done that... got ghosts haunting me... the same old ghost haunting me... i wish id never met him ... i wish i could just go away when iw anted to.. walked away for good.. i wish i waited after sending dat email.. what the hell ami thinking about? am i thinking at all? i just might eb too paranoid to see whats really going on.. why cant i trust him... if hes done nothing to hurt me so far.. nothing to get me thinking otherwise... what on earth is wrong.... maybe he doesnt want me... just i wasnt what he expected.. ill have to ask him.. ill have to voice my fears.. only way to keep going... i dont know what to do anymore