Some thoughts

if someone asked me what is it that i want right now my answer would be, i just want to sleep i want to sleep a long dreamless sleep for eternity untouched and unharmed but peaceful. It's a scary thought or maybe it's not scary if you know how i feel or you know me and know what i mean.
Over two hours it took me to start writing this, maybe its because i so many things in my head that i dont know where to start so ill just start by saying this... what is it so hard to understand about me not wanting to look for anyone else for i already have all i need.. what is it that you dont understand taht every time you tell me to go look elsewhere you break my heart in tiny little pieces and bring me back to a place where i hate myself and everything around me because im scared.. what is it about shattering others wishes, hearts that so many people dont understand.. last i checked noone knew better what i wanted than me nor anyone knew what i could and what i couldnt have, apparently it doesnt work that work anymore.. i didnt know it worked like this.. second time in this position and im as confused as i was the first time.. lots of things are different this time yet it all looks the same.. im still that little girl that keeps growing lots at times and at some other she's so lost... lost within herself.. one who knows what she wants and needs yet fight those things at times for reasons unknown to her.
After two long nights and one filled with tears here's what ive come up with, i dont know if ill be able to make it happen but this is how i feel now nov 26th @ 12.39 pm .. ill ask him whether he wants his collar back.. ive thought about many things and last thing i really want is to add any sort of pressure to him in any way.. im supposed to make his life easier not more complicated and if i cant do that then something's not working right so even if that might add momentary pressure it might be a relief for him and hell for me but lol anything to make that other person happy (now its 3.26 pm geesh).
Im sorta sick right now.. knew i should have skipped lunch and right now i dont know what to do.. i dont know whether to right an email, whether to send an offline whether to ask if he wants his collar back or what.. i know he needs some sorta support but lol would be nice if i knew whats going thru his head which i cant and i dont know maybe its not such a bad thing... anyway im done for now.. no more rambling