uhmm bad bad bad
Somewhere beyond hapiness and sadness
I need to calculate what creates my own madness
And I'm addicted to your punishment
And your the master, and I am waiting for disaster
I feel irrational, so confrontational
To tell the truth I am getting away with murder
It is impossible to never tell the truth
But the reality is I'm getting away with murder
(Getting away with murder - Papa Roach)
If someone were to ask me how i am feeling right now, I wouldnt know exactly what to answer. Most of the times whether Im sad, happy, mad, lonely.. this time.. I don't know. Last night it was a pretty rough one, it was a rough day all alone, nothing happened as Id planned to the point the second time i had to get in the subway for being stupid i just wanted to sit there and cry. I felt so impotent so young so out of control. I felt everything slipping away and i was the cause of it I always get myself into this situation and im really tired of it. Before going bed last night I started thinking when was it that thing got so weird or complicated and I found out it all started when I was 15.. things got complicated then and I never really got better. There are some moments when Im great but Im never past some of the things Ive done to others so my wish of the day is I wish I were 14 again, I dont care how childish that sounds but I do want that, partly at least. Some part of me is stopping me from growing up, Im stuck somewhere in between child and adulthood that means for certain things Im allowed to be an adult but for lots of others I'm not or i just dont act like one which bring me to the same point, what is that stops me from growing up?
Why do I feel like a lil kid, why dont i take any responsibility for what I do?
Right now I think my self steem is lower than it's been in a while and I'm holding with everything I have not to let go because I know how it'll be if i do, ive been at this same point two years ago. I must say the situation at home was a lot more difficult yet it's starting to get that way again maybe it's me and my behavior, my intolerance when it comes to certain things or attitudes, my mother who drives me crazy and the fact that she has the ability of driving me crazy and yell one second and the next one she just wants to talk about the meeting she day last weekend or anything and i just cant do that all the time. I have the ability to act as if nothing happened but only for so long and the mere fact that I have to lie to her about grades or silly stuff ilke that, the fact that she doesnt know me at all, no wonder when i told her about some of the things ive done last summer she was shocked and told me i was like pandora's box (im leaving out when she compared me to the maid or the dork next door for my own sanity). I'm scared of everything, Im scared of letting go, Im scare of every single thing i decide, Im scared of myself, Im scared of my lack of judgement at times Im scared of my inability to make something work (read diets, read exercise routines) I cant keep up wth any routine.
Yesterday I managed to study for about 2.40 hours which was the biggest accomplishment of the year along with getting over henry.. yet i felt so empty and so not in control of anything.
What if Im not able to pass all this exams.. maybe im not as smart as i thought i was which would explain tons of things.. what if i cant have the bright future i planned and i turn out to be just another doctor.. what if i get stuck here for life. okay now id would answer to the person asking me how im doing that im freaking out, that im scared of me and everything that surrounds me that noone can help me if i cant help myself.
On a different note, there's a saying that says (saying or whatever it is)if you cant master yourself then you cant master others and ive been thinking whether that same thing applies to sub/slaves, the other way around of course, meaning if i cant please myself how can i please others right? I gotta think more on that, all i know is this failure just brought me down lower than i expected. A few days ago all i wanted is to be the perfect slave for my Master.. today i just wanna get out of this mess ive created. Im not having any pleasure in anything i do, not from tv shows, not from emails, not from spending time with my friends.. to sum it up i feel like shit and i want all this to be over.. lol just in case i havent made that clear yet
I need to calculate what creates my own madness
And I'm addicted to your punishment
And your the master, and I am waiting for disaster
I feel irrational, so confrontational
To tell the truth I am getting away with murder
It is impossible to never tell the truth
But the reality is I'm getting away with murder
(Getting away with murder - Papa Roach)
If someone were to ask me how i am feeling right now, I wouldnt know exactly what to answer. Most of the times whether Im sad, happy, mad, lonely.. this time.. I don't know. Last night it was a pretty rough one, it was a rough day all alone, nothing happened as Id planned to the point the second time i had to get in the subway for being stupid i just wanted to sit there and cry. I felt so impotent so young so out of control. I felt everything slipping away and i was the cause of it I always get myself into this situation and im really tired of it. Before going bed last night I started thinking when was it that thing got so weird or complicated and I found out it all started when I was 15.. things got complicated then and I never really got better. There are some moments when Im great but Im never past some of the things Ive done to others so my wish of the day is I wish I were 14 again, I dont care how childish that sounds but I do want that, partly at least. Some part of me is stopping me from growing up, Im stuck somewhere in between child and adulthood that means for certain things Im allowed to be an adult but for lots of others I'm not or i just dont act like one which bring me to the same point, what is that stops me from growing up?
Why do I feel like a lil kid, why dont i take any responsibility for what I do?
Right now I think my self steem is lower than it's been in a while and I'm holding with everything I have not to let go because I know how it'll be if i do, ive been at this same point two years ago. I must say the situation at home was a lot more difficult yet it's starting to get that way again maybe it's me and my behavior, my intolerance when it comes to certain things or attitudes, my mother who drives me crazy and the fact that she has the ability of driving me crazy and yell one second and the next one she just wants to talk about the meeting she day last weekend or anything and i just cant do that all the time. I have the ability to act as if nothing happened but only for so long and the mere fact that I have to lie to her about grades or silly stuff ilke that, the fact that she doesnt know me at all, no wonder when i told her about some of the things ive done last summer she was shocked and told me i was like pandora's box (im leaving out when she compared me to the maid or the dork next door for my own sanity). I'm scared of everything, Im scared of letting go, Im scare of every single thing i decide, Im scared of myself, Im scared of my lack of judgement at times Im scared of my inability to make something work (read diets, read exercise routines) I cant keep up wth any routine.
Yesterday I managed to study for about 2.40 hours which was the biggest accomplishment of the year along with getting over henry.. yet i felt so empty and so not in control of anything.
What if Im not able to pass all this exams.. maybe im not as smart as i thought i was which would explain tons of things.. what if i cant have the bright future i planned and i turn out to be just another doctor.. what if i get stuck here for life. okay now id would answer to the person asking me how im doing that im freaking out, that im scared of me and everything that surrounds me that noone can help me if i cant help myself.
On a different note, there's a saying that says (saying or whatever it is)if you cant master yourself then you cant master others and ive been thinking whether that same thing applies to sub/slaves, the other way around of course, meaning if i cant please myself how can i please others right? I gotta think more on that, all i know is this failure just brought me down lower than i expected. A few days ago all i wanted is to be the perfect slave for my Master.. today i just wanna get out of this mess ive created. Im not having any pleasure in anything i do, not from tv shows, not from emails, not from spending time with my friends.. to sum it up i feel like shit and i want all this to be over.. lol just in case i havent made that clear yet
posted by ~*~angelfire~*~ at 7:41 PM
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