It's not yesterday anymore...

probably two days ago i could say i wasnt feeling anything at all or maybe i had control of those feelings because i had a sense of safety and security that i dont have right now.. maybe its because a party at home just finished and that stresses the hell out of me... i need to cry.. im sad.. sad as i havent been in weeks.. maybe its a hormonal thing or whatever or the fact that i hate fanily gatherings as of late.. it seems like my 'family' plots to remark my defects consciously or unconsciously.. my moms contant reminder of what im not.. everyone's pressure on me for i was always the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect niece, grandaughter, friend.. i always was the sweet one, the tamed one.. well im fucking tired of it all, i had it, i dont want anyone near me, i dont want anyone asking me about school, i dont want anyone telling me to be patient with my mother, i dont want to lsiten to my mothere, i dont want to live here anymore, im tired of being yelled at because things dont go her way and its the only way she wants them done, i hate her always wanting to be right even when everyone around her inclusing ehr friends and myself tell her shes wrong.. im sick of being the submissive one to everyone, im fucking.. i want out of this life... i cant fight anymore.. i hate xmas i hate december i hate me and everything around me.. dammit.. when did it get so complicated again? when did everything went back to how it was not so long ago.. why people wont accept that im not perfect no matter how hard i try.. i cant be sweet all the fucking time.. im not interested.. i have bad days too i have bad years too i hate myself at times too.. whats so difficult to understand.. they tell me not to backtalk.. what the hell do you want me to do... you get to me people and i cant deal with it all of the damn time im around..

i dont know.. i want out of this.. i wanna run away where noone will ever find me.. be alone and unbothered and unharmed and untouched and alone and not so alone and damn it... damn you all.. im so scared.. im so alone.. im so empty .. im so sad.. im so in love with you... im so alone again... damn.. again..