uhmmmm

there are some times when the only way I find to keep myself in line is by promising things to myself.. Things that I will or wont do and I set up a deadline as well.. These promises are rather personal, no one ever knows about them unless a) I couldn't get to fulfill them b) I realize something will get in the middle and someone knowing about it might make the fulfillment of that promise easier or c) I gave up on that promise. See there are 2 kinds of promise I make to myself, one I know I will fulfill and the other kind is one that I really want to fulfill but deep within me I know I might not be able to, so I wont be as hard on myself if I don't do it.. Call it coping methods or whatever but it works for me. I had made a promise concerning my Master.. I said I wouldn't make any contact with him until the new year, for several reasons.. Pride, a couple of things we talked about over the past month or so, etc. Thing is I could only deal with so much this month and even if I'm really proud of me for how I dealt with some things (read biochemistry final and school related stuff), I couldn't deal with pms as well lol damn hormones taking the worst of me.. During xmas eve while I was spending time with my family I had certain moments when all I wanted to do was cry, I wasn't lonely at all but I was like empty and I realized how badly I missed him and then I felt bad for missing him because I might be alone in the feeling which in the end only made me feel worse. Luckily these down moments only lasted a few minutes and I could control them, on Sunday it was all better since I spent most of the day with two kids, ages 6 and 3, they luv me lol and they played with me all day since they know when Christmas comes they gonna see me and get to play with me and I must say it fills me with joy in a way I cant start to explain, the younger one is so damn cute and the lil girl is so adorable as well, they're just great to be around. They laugh tons and I laugh along and believe it or not that's not something most people can do. I have a hard time wondering why most people cant laugh along, at times it strikes me that I get along so well because the child within me refuses to grow up and lose that child like way of being that I find so magical, that sparkle that kids have that most grown ups don't. It's so easy to keep a child happy, to please him, you just need to listen to him, interest yourself in what he's saying because to him that the most important thing in the whole world, he doesn't know about politics or where the world is going, they're simple creatures when it comes to certain things and its an amazing feeling. To them its all so new and intriguing, I'm proud to say I still have that child like curiosity and I pray that I never ever lose it but if I ever do I hope I have a kid next to me to remind me what's like to be one of them again. See this world is completely overwhelming and to me its way too overwhelming at times, I don't understand why people are mean cruel, etc. I have no interest in becoming one of them, I'm attracted to the simple things in life and I don't understand what's so difficult about love. Love is not to be taken lightly but it shouldn't be a battlefield either, if you love someone and that person loves you back then you shouldn't have a problem. I'm sorry to say that the child within me doesn't believe that anymore.. Love isn't always enough

Last Sunday, as I mentioned above I got to play with my 'cousins', there was a time when the youngest one decided that he wanted to be in my arms.. and don't get this wrong but he's 3 and can walk just fine but he only wanted to play, so we would twirl together, jump, dance, I would turn him upside down and he would laugh incessantly (sp), his sister was next to us playing in the computer.. Do I need to say that she wanted me to do the same to her? lol and she's 6 and I'm not that strong but I thought, hey I can give it a try right? And I did and, of course, I couldn't make her 'fly' as much but she had so much fun and after that to both of them about five times each I was truly exhausted so I said enough and they got it but then they hugged me so hard and I felt so fuzzy inside, I'm smiling just by remembering it.. It's magical, kids are awesome, most of them lol though not all

Anyway this turned out to be something way different than what I intended which isn't necessarily a bad thing so there we go..

One last thing.. I love you and I do miss you.. If I need to let go so you can be happy I will.. Know that your happiness prevails. Its not that mine isn't important but I'm not here to make your life more difficult and I do deserve the truth..

With that said, au revoir