I am not..

okay so.. he came on.. havent talked to him since wednesday or so and i was really okay.. i mean im being very understanding and as supportive as i can... but...today when he came online and all hed talk about was about his problem with his foot i just lost it..i know he's going through a rough time.. i get it.. really i do but i dont know how much longer i can just put up a smile on my face when he shows up and pretend like im fine.. which i kinda am.. and i would be if this hadnt gotten to me as badly.. he's being selfish.. and hes taking advantage of the position im in... and im too tired to go away.. I just dont wanna start looking again.. im just done with this.. i dont have the will to end this thing and start again.. so im kinda stuck here.. in a relationship that doesnt provide me with anything at all... a relationship where all i do is give give give.. and maybe i need to get something too.. some feedback you know..

I recently noticed i gave up my "lifestyle side" for him... i am not being myself.. i stopped it.. as much as i could.. i just shut it down unconsciously.. and i shouldnt have.. because i fought and went through hell to be like i was 2 or 3 months ago.. Now im just this being that is stuck in a relationship.. that despite her lies is highly unhappy but has managed to overcome that and put a smile on her face for the last few months.. i settled for something that is not even a 10% of what i should be getting... and then i love him.... and then something tells me that hes lying to me... and that thought is getting stronger and stronger by the day and it makes me wonder whether its one of m y defense mechanisms that is getting ready just in case or if its really that "6th sense".. its complicated... and robert was right when he said... you cant be happy when youre denying who you are.. and no.. i am not... i am not...