I admit to it

I messed up. Adam was right, i shouldnt have done it.

I wrote Michael an email yesterday... he replied, his hip is bummed and he has to have surgery.. I txtd him on an impulse, asked him to get on skype. He asked if we could do that tomorrow (today), that i should set the time and he'd make it. My reply? I should be around from noon onwards.

Its 10.30pm and still nothing. Id gotten my hopes up, my fault.

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The guy from Brazil... he answered me right after my last post. I replied the day after... still nothing. He's not into me, alright, why not say it? Sure, it might hurt but id rather have him being honest. Idiot.

Why it hurt so much

It's not that I didnt see it coming.. It seemed too good to be true to begin with. Why did it hurt?

I thought it might work out. An educated guy, settled in life, looking for a partner rather than a good fuck. Someone who understood that it needs to be a relationship at its core, a vanilla one. Someone who was looking a girlfriend.

If he and i worked out, Id have no reason to leave the country after graduation. Other than pure educational/political ones. I could stay home, I could see my folks grow old, I could show them my baby when i become pregnant (in a future far far away), I wouldnt have to leave.

He never promised any of it, whats more, maybe we are not even compatible but the fact that he didnt even try makes me believe he either a) regretted it/got scared, b) i scared him lol or c) he was just trying luck and someone bit before i did. I didnt know him, i wasnt gonna jump into bed with him... not after meeting for coffee anyway :P

I hope i can meet someone like that, to spend a lifetime with. Itd be nice.

Im back

In a weird place. Im home alone for two weeks. Im not happy.

Being around family last weekend was harsh. Babies, husbands, lives. All stuff I dont have and Im waiting and hoping to get after I graduate.

Talked to Alan last night, I was pissed off, he was.. that mysterious self who's starting to piss me off. I dont play games.

Math is great,  he and I hit it off.. Too bad we wont ever be 100% compatible, I couldnt bring him to the dark side, I couldnt share myself with him.

Sadness, emptiness, loneliness.

Welcome back to 2005.

I dont get it

He's fine one day, pulls away the next, disappears the third and then we start all over again.

I know and understand we won't ever have a relationship thatd satisfy us both completely yet... I often wonder what'd happen if circumstances were different.

How'd it be if i were his partner, living in his house or in the area. I wonder if he'd open up then.

I feel like i can open up and be myself and hes fine with it, till he pulls back. Then I wonder if i confuse him, if i make him uneasy, if i make him worry.

Ive never had a relationship like this with anyone.. a relationship where we dont really have a relationship yet everything's open... from me to him, not so much the other way around. Maybe I should work on that so it doesnt turn into a one sided thing.

I think I love him, not in the typical way but in a caring way.

How do I make you understand that whatever you say is just fine.. Im just infinitely glad you're alive.

Ive talked to Alan today. After a few weeks of not talking to him.. and missing him some. I thought itd be better... he was in a car accident.. hes grumpy and still hurt i think. On the plus side both him and the kid are fine which is a great plus.

I asked him if i could do anything and he said, nah youre not local (and some other stuff) and i was like.. no shit... i was a little hurt and felt like lashing out for a second. Then i felt bad cause it was him and he was hurt and probably his pride was hurt and ugh i dont know.

I thought itd be better... I feel like i have to tiptoe around him for my shit seems meaningless compared to his. Its probably just me being hormonal.. or me seeing him as a common human being with human being flaws which he hardly ever showed before.

I really missed him though.. now? Maybe i made it better in my head than it actually was.

Today

Wasn't such a bad idea day (talk about a Freudian slip). I didnt keep any of my set goals for the day but i mostly stayed in a neutral state of mind. It's the evenings that are killing me. Loneliness sets in.

I wish I could talk to Alan one last time.. say goodbye or something, for closure.

I miss having someone making me accountable for what i do/dont do.. I wish I could have someone help me set up a schedule that I had to follow. Micromanagement? Maybe.. I could really use it at the moment. Structure.

Im looking into buddhism, trying to find the right state of mind.

I wanna get back in shape, Ive no idea where to start.

M asked me today what was going on with me... Every time someone asks me that I say Im fine cause really I am... but at the same time, I always get this weird feeling, like im gonna burst into tears.

Why cant i have someone love me as I am and can make his damn way here til i graduate? At least for a week or two, twice a year? thrice?