And it all happened again...

okay so let me start by saying YOU SUCK AND I HATE YOU! She wonders why i am like i am.. why i act like i act but what she doesnt notice is that the answers is always the same.. i am what i am because of you... She says i disrespect her.. okay i do at times.. but so does she and i seldom say a word and okay yeah when i do say a word it doesnt come out always as it should and yeah i look like a fucking teenager by writing some of what i write? and i dont fucking care!! You asked me not to call you stupid (even though we do use it jokingly aroudn each other... and it is used in a joke kinda way) and i hadnt even meant it but i guess its only funny when YOU can use it.. YOU decide when its funny and when it isnt.. well guess what? I dont play by those rules.. I hate those rules.. I try to include you.. give you a peek inside my daily like but NO you always have to ruin it by making fun of me or just by being a total azz.. Well im getting tired and maybe tonight wasnt the best day to argue with me.. not when i have a thousand and one fucking things on my fucking mind.. When you made the oh so wise decision of leaving the fucking table where i was having dinner i just wanted to cry.. mainly out of fucking frustration at my situation.. and how we can only have fun when you want to but i wouldnt.. i just wouldnt out of mere pride.. Five years or maybe longer i would have.. I left the table crying bitter tears more than id like to remember but then one day i decided i wouldnt give you the pleasure of see me crying so i controlled myself.. and then one day i started doing it for someone else and god.. henry.. you kept me alive in my own personal hell.. and tonight you were right there.. your words.. a level of connection that i still dream of having with ken but it all seems so distant and far away right now.. Youd keep me calmed fown even when i wasnt around you.. Youd just say.. dont cry baby.. i dont want you to cry... do it for me and just dont cry... and i didnt... and i tried to think of ken saying this but i couldnt because you did this for me and he doesnt do all this stuff for me.. He doesnt know how to do it...he's just too busy getting a job and managing a life i know damn well im not part of.. but you henry.. you included me .. included me in a wrong relationship but included me nonetheless and i miss ken... i really miss him.. it's just so awkward having someone else in the middle now.. having someone that doesnt know what we were starting.. and now its all fading away.. that connection we were beginning to form is long gone and i have no idea when will i see it again and i miss that.. I wish we.. all 3 of us.. could have at least half the fun and love and good time i had with you.. i miss my Master.. but i cant even adress him as such for his wife doesnt know.. oh henry.. this is so like what we lived in the past.. He was starting to know me you know.. starting to comprehend my twisted nature.. im not just a lost lil girl that needs help... i can be so much more and im afraid he only saw the peak of the iceberg.. and now our relationship depends on someone else's like and dislikes... it depends on the security and safety she feels while around him... it depends on her not seeing me as a threat or an 22 yo attention seeker.. yes henry.. i turned 22 a couple of weeks ago... damn.. i just realized you and i were together already by the time i turned 19... our relationship lasted a lot longer than i remembered.. time did fly for us didnt it? we had fun and we share love... for i know you did love me... i heard your voice.. but now henry.. what am i to do now? what am i to do when i let ken in but now our relationship depends on someone else? what am i to do when my Master isnt acting like my master.. He doesnt let me do small things like i did for you.. his life is too complicated you know... he's just beyond those little things we used to love.. and things i still do love.. do you remember our txt msgs? Id be in histology class and youd be texting me.. youd make me smirk at times... id try to hold from blushing.. and those telephone calls that were always on me... but god i dont regret a single one.. oh baby... what happened to me? When did i decide to settle for a whole lot less than i deserve merely on a hunch?

Im scared you know.. and hes not even here to hug me and tell me everythings going to be okay... he doesnt call me baby a lot like you did.. he doesnt even call me that anymore... I feel like a dirty mistress thats done something wrong when in reality i havent.. how could he do this to me? how could he let me get this involved without her knowing all of it? Henry... what if hes a liar like you? what if he hurts me like you did? im lonely and scared.. and i miss him so badly that it hurts and right now i cant stop crying.. I hadnt let myself cry in weeks because i couldnt afford it but tonight reality caught up with me.. with the wonder help of my mother.. You didnt like her much remember? Youd see how badly shed affect me... Ken doesnt get that.. to him.. shes just a normal parent doing some parenting.. i gave up trying to show him otherwise.. let him believe what he will.. you knew her... and you gave me the strenght i needed to overcome their almost inminent divorce... which wasnt meant to happen since they're still together living under the same roof... Our chosen family is making bets to see how long it will be til i get out of here... and she doesnt know it.. oh baby.. if she only knew... if only he knew me better..

In spite of me.. for a part of me wont let go of that hurt you caused me... you made me feel better tonight.. i am able to remember you with a smile on my face but tonight it merely worried me.. because it wasnt you who was supposed to give that inner strenght i needed to stand my ground and not let her mop the floor with me.. she thinks that by threating me with a slap i will stop once i started.. oh.. shes so wrong.. she wouldnt dare though.. not anymore... it'd make things bad with each other.. yet she did threatened to... oh yes she did.. i just wanted to throw my plate half full of food to the floor.. just smash it to get some anger out but i didnt.. They say it's all about self control and i do have that... and you made me able to have this and be like this so thank you.. and i can only hope ken learns to do this too.. i cant teach him.. i didnt with you...

Im more calmed now... i might be ready to get some more reading done now...

Ken i love you.. and i miss you.. and i feel so powerless... just like a dirty mistress...oh baby... i wish you knew... i wish you knew...