*sighs* probably should be investing this time studying.. yes.. i know.. but if dont do this wont be able to study til get to see You tomorrow and even then may still not be able and cannot let that happen under any circumnstances... feel so bad....it's always same thing.. do something wrong and im aware of it and then feel bad.. but this time it started way before talking to You... i cant explaing the feeling.. just didnt want to call You cause already knew what You were going to say... and at the same time You had to know.... am so so sorry Master...You said want you to think about it.. and it's impossible for me not to... and gets worse with every minute (ok thats too dramatic.. but it does) so many things in my head now...
I'll try to explain why i think i did it.. think was out of frustration.. i knew You were not gonna be back and as time went by accepted it... but then You logged and i dont know.. something about those couple of minutes You were on "killed" me... when You left i was mad and just wanted You back.. and couldnt even call to work cause You said 2 hours... i didnt even enjoy watching tv... and was a big fat mistake asking You to watch tv again.. then sth else crossed my mind.. remember when i was with ss... that i told You i was jealous of Jen.. well wasnt exactly jealous but was scared that if i screwed up he'd stop caring about me.. and i knwo it's silly and also know You wouldnt do that.. but just crossed my mind so feel worse... please understand the difference im not jealous of meg.. dont have reason to...and in fact like her very much and led her know that.. just for a moment felt all this pressure and thought about it in the way i just described.... i know it's not a competition.. i know she and i are different starting by You're training her for someone else and im already Yours... just.. i dont know....
now... know was plain stupidity watching tv no matter the reason.... at that time felt so not important.. no not important but i didnt realise was gonna affect me this much..... and calling You was like toughest (if it exists) thing i did... wanted ot hear Your voice and talk to You but didnt want to hear You saying im disappointed in you... i akready knew it... and to make it worse when i first called sth came and could hear You mad on the other line... then had to wait a whole hour til calling You again adn didnt want to again.. and when i did fuggin line was busy and tried three times in a row and still busy.. well then found out was meg talking to You but tis ok... when You picked up i wanted to vanish.. just disappear.. Your voice was different even if You dont mean to change it it's different... it's like sad voice.... and You were so concise and i even had hard time blurting out a yes... sighs.... and then well.. of course You said im not mad just disappointed... and what am i gonna do with you angel... and then.. all rest.. the punishment per se.. and letting me know we would keep talking about it tomorrow... oh im forgetting sth.. i will see You tomorrow dont know for how long though... i cant explain how that little sentence breaks my heart in tinyer pieces than the disappointment in me... because can work out the disappointment if im with You but knowing cant see You but You'll be there just kills me..
this becoming One.. as spring said.. kills me.. dont take it wrongly.... but its definetely getting worse with time... i can remmeber when didn feel a thing about no nos.. then remember first time i felt like this.. remember second time.. but now Master.. now reached a different level... all i wanna do is go bed and sleep.. but i cant even do that becuse need to study... could barely eat.. as always...dont worry wont die of starvation.. got enough fat to keep me alive for some days.. not funny i know..
with all this im not looking for pity Master nor sympathy nor nth.. just taking it out to see if improves way i feel a bit.. it hasnt so far but well... nvr know..
i love You so much and so sorry broke Yr trust.. and worst is i was asking for help... You accepted and i let You down....
I'll try to explain why i think i did it.. think was out of frustration.. i knew You were not gonna be back and as time went by accepted it... but then You logged and i dont know.. something about those couple of minutes You were on "killed" me... when You left i was mad and just wanted You back.. and couldnt even call to work cause You said 2 hours... i didnt even enjoy watching tv... and was a big fat mistake asking You to watch tv again.. then sth else crossed my mind.. remember when i was with ss... that i told You i was jealous of Jen.. well wasnt exactly jealous but was scared that if i screwed up he'd stop caring about me.. and i knwo it's silly and also know You wouldnt do that.. but just crossed my mind so feel worse... please understand the difference im not jealous of meg.. dont have reason to...and in fact like her very much and led her know that.. just for a moment felt all this pressure and thought about it in the way i just described.... i know it's not a competition.. i know she and i are different starting by You're training her for someone else and im already Yours... just.. i dont know....
now... know was plain stupidity watching tv no matter the reason.... at that time felt so not important.. no not important but i didnt realise was gonna affect me this much..... and calling You was like toughest (if it exists) thing i did... wanted ot hear Your voice and talk to You but didnt want to hear You saying im disappointed in you... i akready knew it... and to make it worse when i first called sth came and could hear You mad on the other line... then had to wait a whole hour til calling You again adn didnt want to again.. and when i did fuggin line was busy and tried three times in a row and still busy.. well then found out was meg talking to You but tis ok... when You picked up i wanted to vanish.. just disappear.. Your voice was different even if You dont mean to change it it's different... it's like sad voice.... and You were so concise and i even had hard time blurting out a yes... sighs.... and then well.. of course You said im not mad just disappointed... and what am i gonna do with you angel... and then.. all rest.. the punishment per se.. and letting me know we would keep talking about it tomorrow... oh im forgetting sth.. i will see You tomorrow dont know for how long though... i cant explain how that little sentence breaks my heart in tinyer pieces than the disappointment in me... because can work out the disappointment if im with You but knowing cant see You but You'll be there just kills me..
this becoming One.. as spring said.. kills me.. dont take it wrongly.... but its definetely getting worse with time... i can remmeber when didn feel a thing about no nos.. then remember first time i felt like this.. remember second time.. but now Master.. now reached a different level... all i wanna do is go bed and sleep.. but i cant even do that becuse need to study... could barely eat.. as always...dont worry wont die of starvation.. got enough fat to keep me alive for some days.. not funny i know..
with all this im not looking for pity Master nor sympathy nor nth.. just taking it out to see if improves way i feel a bit.. it hasnt so far but well... nvr know..
i love You so much and so sorry broke Yr trust.. and worst is i was asking for help... You accepted and i let You down....
posted by ~*~angelfire~*~ at 12:53 AM
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